Being a “Good Mum” to “Terrible Teenagers”

One of the biggest compliments most mothers can ever receive from other parents is

“You’re such a good mum.”

Most of us strive to be good parents but too often we feel like total frauds, as our kids drive us crazy, we lose our tempers and we struggle to see where we’re going to get the patience to get through another day. What makes this worse is seeing all the other mothers around us seeming to get it right as they post their perfect lives on social media and regale us with stories of little Bobbys latest achievements.

The truth though, is that most of the people who like to make us feel small by rubbing our faces into how perfect their children are the biggest frauds of us all…

When you reach your late 40s like me, oftentimes your kids are teenagers, or in their early 20s – reaching a time of life when, according to the text books, you should be getting them off your hands as they grow up and move off to have lives of their own… Yeah…that’s what they tell you. Increasingly though this isn’t the case, as kids stay home for longer and become independent so much later. Where little ones drive you mad whinging and fighting amongst themselves, I don’t think it’s until they reach the deadly teens and early 20s that you can truly appreciate how easy they really are at that age when almost any issue can be resolved by some time out and redirection, or even just a cuddle.

Teenagers on the other hand, need to take risks…it’s part of their DNA and for teenagers who feel secure at home, the best “risk” they can take is to revolt against their family. Being “revolting” can involve anything from accusing their parents of not understanding them, to staying out late without telling anyone where they are or what they’re doing, refusing to clean their rooms, or any other mess they make – and they make plenty – and screaming as though you’ve asked them to slice off their own head if you dare to insist that they do. At this age they argue with everything, ask your opinion and then scream if you give them the “wrong” one…they’re irrational, pig headed and really bloody obnoxious at times! Tiring…and as a mother of 5 between 13 and 25, believe me, there have been times when I’ve seriously thought “What the fuck was I thinking??”

Mostly however, at the end of the day, for all of the kicking and screaming they do, kids who feel secure at home will eventually grudgingly comply with the rules there, even as they loudly complain about how much they hate it…and you. I’ve learned not to take that personally.

As society becomes busier and busier and parents are forced to work more and more to keep up with the cost of living, kids can feel less and less secure and less able to impress their parents with their risk taking, or new skills and less able to make them angry with their silly choices, ugly clothes, turkey butt haircuts…because we aren’t there. So more and more they turn to their friends as an audience worth impressing. Society doesn’t really cater for kids between 13 and 18 – especially if they aren’t really sporty types – and so they will get together to impress each other instead, smoking, drinking, taking drugs and having unsafe sex.

In many ways, kids in this age group need their parents around them as much as an infant does. They’re physically independent but emotionally they still need to know that someone is interested in what they’re doing – in the effort that they’re making. They need people around them just as we all do, even if they act as though they couldn’t give a crap! You need to be around so that they can criticise the way you think, the way you dress, your political views, your crappy music, the ridiculous things you find interesting, the “old people” shows you watch on TVs. They need to have something to break away from, anything that can show that they are nothing like you and will one day be able to show you how to live your life better.

You have to be stable so that they can be erratic. So that they can yell at you and blame you and hole you responsible for every bloody thing going wrong in their lives. Their skin, their crappy hair, their bad grades, their poverty and their non existent social life. Don’t worry about “quality time”. At this age, they don’t want quality time with you…they need quantity time. That doesn’t mean gazing into their eyes as you have in depth debates about things or even being in the same room. It just means being there if they come out of their room and want to talk, or yell, or throw a tantrum, being there to see them rebel and to give a shit when they do. It means being there to give hugs when hearts are broken or just sitting next to them as they cry it out.

A few years ago as I was bitching to a friend about my selfish, self centred then 17 year old son, a friend of mine made statement that I haven’t been able to forget,

“What you have to understand hon is that at that age, all you are to him is money and a lift…if you can’t provide either of those things then what good are you??”

A house full of screaming kids and fighting teenagers and a parent who’s being thrown every curve ball is a healthy one, even if it doesn’t feel that way. That’s what shows that you are a good parent…a good mother…not the perfect Facebook statuses, or the picture perfect children who’ve never given you an ounce of trouble but the bitching, whinging ones who eventually grow out of that and wonder how you ever put up with them.IMG_0289

You Are Not Your Worst Moment

In our society today, increasingly there seems to be an element of loneliness surrounding people as more and more of us get most of our emotionally intimate human interaction via the net rather than from other people in person. And to make matters worse, the interaction we get from the net is so judgemental! All of a sudden we’re expected to defend our life decisions and so we think long and hard about what we choose to put out there so that we don’t have to know what the public at large might think about the way we really live. And yet we still worry about it and obsess about it and feel bad about it. Why??

Self doubt weakens us and makes us vulnerable to the fuck wits of the world. When you look at things objectively, why do you really care what a complete stranger on the other side of the country, or the world thinks of you and the way that you live, or think? Doubting yourself stops you from living to your fullest potential. It makes you weak and if you don’t address it, it can also make you sick. Self doubt isn’t just for teenagers or judgemental mummies either, even us older ducks can suffer with it because we get to a certain age and don’t feel as though we’ve achieved anything, or not what we thought we would have achieved by the time we reached this age, or we still don’t know what we want to be when we grow up, or we gave up on our dreams to raise our families or support our partners, or we’ve been broken down by bad relationships that have kicked the crap out of our self esteem…ugh! The list goes on…

The beauty of self doubt however is that it’s never too late to get rid of it. True self-love is one of the most liberating things we can do for ourselves and it’s all about recognising and validating our own innate inner goodness. As human beings, our core selves are innately good and worth as much as anyone else’s. It is important that we remind ourselves of this everyday rather than listening to our inner critic whose voice is sometimes louder than anything else we can hear, shaming us and making us feel anxious and not good enough.

It is also very important to have strong boundaries and to learn to say no when you need to. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel that you need to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing, or that will compromise you in some way just to make their life easier. Have some compassion for yourself and don’t judge yourself harshly, particularly where you’ve done things in the past that you might not be proud of. Give yourself a break for the losses and traumas you’ve endured and the issues you have and even for the crappy things you might have done that you now wish you hadn’t. If you can’t forgive yourself then how can you expect anyone else to?

Find ways to give yourself joy, even when no one else seems to want to and work on releasing old feelings of guilt or unworthiness so that you can start welcoming beauty and abundance into your life. Never hang your self worth on what someone else thinks or says about you.  Nurture yourself. Give yourself the love and care that you may have missed out on as a child. Soothe yourself in times of stress and find others who are willing to support you, even if they are not always the people you’re yearning to be accepted by. Make your own well being a priority and seek out relationships and situations that support you in doing this.

Invest in your own development and allow yourself to enjoy the process of growing and expanding yourself. Always keep learning and be patient with yourself if you find this difficult at first. You will get there.

Write yourself a list of how you’d like to grow. What you would like to welcome into your life that you feel would make it better, or would help you to love yourself more. This is how you will evolve and become your best self…the person you know is inside you, even if you haven’t seen them for a really long time. This is how you will finally find a way to let go of all of the things you wish you weren’t and embrace the beauty of who you really are.

It’s a process…and not always an easy one…but it is worth it.

 

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I Love My Job, I Love My Job…

Bloody hell!! I love my work as a tarot reader and healer and thank the universe every day that I have the opportunity to help the people who come to me but there are days when I find it sooo bloody frustrating! As with any job that involves giving advice or insight to a situation, the reading is only ever going to be as good as the people involved in it. So here are some things I’d like you to know if you ever decide to come to me for a reading, whether that be in person, or on the phone/video chat or via email.

Many of the people who come to me especially for the first time are quasi-believers. They’re not too sure, and they’ll sit there and say, okay, tell me about my life. They want proof before we start that, well basically that I’m not full of shit and because of that I’ll get comments like “shouldn’t you be telling me that?” if I ask them a question to help me tune in. That’s not what this is about. When someone comes to me, I actually am going into their energy field picking up irregularities. Something that seems a little amiss here, a little emotional there. I feel dips in their energy, and I go in and start to get my information that way. I ask questions about things that they would obviously know the answers to rather than tuning in to find these things out simply because these things aren’t super relevant to the reading and because, well why would I want to waste your time tuning in to things that you already know – are you in a relationship, how many kids do you have etc.

A good analogy for this is going to the doctor.  You walk through the door and the doctor says “ok, so what’s troubling you today?”  You reply “You’re the doctor, you tell me.” And he spends the next 50 minutes running diagnostics just so that he can tell you something that you already know…makes no sense does it? And most doctors just wouldn’t stand for it.

When a querent starts playing games like “guess my middle name and my husbands star sign,” that’s frustrating because it demeans what I do. I’m not a human 8-ball and I don’t have a direct line to God either. Readings are all about interpreting energies and symbols. Sometimes I get really clear messages – right to the point – but oftentimes it’s more symbolic, or little snippets of info that come and need to be interpreted. I shy away from trying to get specific names etc purely because it can limit the querents perspective. Imagine meeting the man of your dreams but missing the boat because your psychic told you his name was going to be “John” and the man you met is called “Ron”!

I’ve been doing this for a long time and I take it seriously. I know what I’m doing and so it really does annoy me when I constantly feel the need to prove this, or to justify my existence. It also annoys me when people come to me seeking help with their issues, go out and do the complete opposite of what they’ve been told to do and then come back and bitch to me (or worse still, bitch to someone else) that things haven’t worked out as I’ve said they would. I’ve gotten to the point where these days I tell people “I don’t care if you follow the path I have given you in a reading. Do or don’t…it’s completely up to you as you have to live with the consequences of any choices you make and actions you take…BUT if you come to me seeking spiritual advice and then decide you don’t want to take it and either don’t act at all, or do the opposite of what I’ve given you from Spirit and life turns to shit, then I don’t want to hear about it. My interest is NIL…No Fucks Given. The most that you’ll get from me is a sense of mild irritation…after which I’ll run into another room and scream into a pillow! Lol!

Action is the key to manifestation after all… In order to keep your life moving in the way that you want it to work, you need to take steps in the direction that you’d like it to go in and so doing the opposite of what you want, or not doing anything at all when you’ve been shown that action is needed is obviously going to achieve the opposite of what you wanted. It’s the whole thing about every action having an equal and opposite reaction…

Ninety percent of the questions I am asked as a reader, have to do with relationships, and most of the time the querent already kind of has a sense of what’s going to happen, good or bad. I find a lot of people often are looking for some type of confirmation that yes, they’re on the right track. I mean that’s what we all want isn’t it? To know that we’re right and everybody else is wrong. A lot of the time I find I’m able to give that confirmation and I am happy to do that but if that’s not the information that I’m getting, that’s not what I’m going to tell you, no matter how much you’d like me to and no matter what any other reader you’ve been to has told you.

Interpretation can also be tricky and this is why it’s always good to record or write down your reading so that you can remember what I actually said or meant and not just what you thought I said or meant. It’s easy to forget or misinterpret what’s been said if you just rely on your memory, especially if the reading has been an emotional one so recording it really is an insurance policy for your own peace of mind…because in the end that’s what’s most important isn’t it? Peace of mind…yours…and mine ;).

When the Karma Bus Misses a Stop

imageA few days ago I came across a post from a woman who was particularly horrible to me a few years ago. At the time it felt as though she was ruining my life, taking it apart piece by piece, looking at it and me under a microscope and finding me and my life decidedly lacking. This, I assume, made it easier for her to feel that she could come in and try to take over the parts she felt she could do better.

The experience very near broke me and the worst part about it was that it was very deliberate on her behalf despite her protests to the contrary when she was eventually confronted about her behaviour. She wanted what she wanted and she felt that it was her right to take it, regardless of who she hurt and she very nearly did that. Except that I refused to let her break me.

It’s taken literally years to recover from the destruction of my self esteem so that I could start to feel good about myself again but perhaps I’m not as recovered as I would like to have thought.

The post that saw was all about her recent engagement, how happy she is…all the stuff that generally goes with such an announcement. Nothing overly exciting when written by someone you can’t stand and yet reading it honestly felt like being energetically punched in the face. I spent the day crying and feeling absolutely inconsolable over all the injustices that this little announcement brought up and rubbed into my face and questioning the absolute unfairness of life generally. Shitty people vs Good people…all that stuff. Hormones might have had something to do with my reaction of course but I really think it would have knocked me off my feet anyway.

So what is it about some people that enables them to move through their lives causing pain and heartache wherever they go whilst seemingly never having to be accountable? What makes them exempt from the karma that seems to follow the rest of us?

If you ask most people what karma is all about they will say something like, “Karma is punishment for past wrongs.” Or “What you do to others will come back to you, threefold, tenfold, whatever fold.” Karma is seen as a universal justice system where we will eventually all be held accountable for our actions good and bad. Having said that though, I’m here to burst your bubble.

For some people, karma is a long time coming. If you’re waiting for your lying, cheating ex to die and come back as a sea slug, or some kind of pond scum, don’t hold your breath. Karma does not always work that way despite people hoping and wishing it did. People don’t always get what they deserve, they get what they attract.

Some people can walk through the world hurting people on a whim and destroying lives to varying degrees and yet they seemingly never have to deal with any consequences, or even a guilty conscience. This is because they are, in fact, a vibrational match for their behavior. People who commit crimes and are caught, are a vibrational match for getting caught or being stopped in this lifetime. Those who do bad things and never have to face any consequences simply aren’t. They match with getting away with it.

In any given incarnation, you will always get what you are a vibrational match for, whether that’s an amazing life of happiness and joy, or a depressing life of pain and misery, or something else in between. The universe gives you the same opportunities over and over again so that you might learn from them and then decide if you will change your behaviour or keep it the same.

No matter how “bad” you think you’ve been, or how damaged you think you are, or how undeserving you think you must be, the universe will not punish you for your behavior. If YOU feel you deserve to be punished you will attract something that feels like punishment and the flip side of that is that if you don’t feel that you’ve done anything wrong, no matter how someone else might view your behaviour or ethics, you won’t. Does this mean that you are free to hurt people if you want to?

You’ve always been free to hurt people if you want to…and you always will be. At some point however, you may begin not to like how you feel when you hurt people and this is when you’ll actively start trying to stop. It might be in this lifetime or another. The universe is patient.

Karma is about being given the opportunity to change your vibration and attract something different. It’s not about punishment. No one is going to inflict change upon you, but the universe will bring you ample opportunities to choose a different path if yours is one of destruction. That being said, if you’re holding out hope that something bad will happen to another person because of something they’ve done to you, or someone you love, you truly are better off releasing, forgiving, and moving on for your own energetic good. You can of course choose not to but if you do that then inevitably you will continue to attract new opportunities that involve you needing to forgive someone. Are you catching my drift here?

If you are constantly wishing negative things will happen to those who wrong you, the universe will constantly bring you people who wrong you so you can continue wishing negative things will happen to them. That’s your vibration. That’s your karma. That’s what the universe thinks you want since that’s what you’re always thinking about. So as much as I’d like the woman who wronged me to be hit by an energetic steam roller, or hi-fived in the face with a chair – and believe me, I would – what I really need to be doing – as much as it sucks energetic butt – is working on letting it go…letting her go… Ugh! My revenge needs to come in the form of living well, as much as that sounds like a horrible cliche.

Karma is not punishment, it’s not revenge, it’s not justice. Karma is the universe giving you opportunities to alter your vibration and others opportunities to change theirs, whether you agree with their choices or not. Shifting focus can be a difficult thing to do, especially when you’ve been wronged on so many levels but when you think of things this way, do we really have any other choice? Read more

“Tweening” At The Other End Of My Life

It occurred to me the other day that all of the good blogs are written by cool young mums, struggling through the daily grind of rearing little kids – a past time I have always felt is akin to ant wrangling – and fighting with themselves about whether or not they should go back to work and be judged, or stay at home with their children and be judged.  Having been through that with my own five kids, I am almost out the other side now.  The youngest one is 12, the oldest almost 26 but you know what?  Life really doesn’t get any easier and nobody writes about that!

So a little about myself…I’m Tammie.  Spiritual Tarot Reader, Clairvoyant Medium, Energetic Healer, Artist.  Passionate about many things but not really a master of any, even at the ripe old age of 47!  I’m not Menopausal yet but I reckon I’m definitely heading there faster than I’d like to be and I still have sooo much to do!!   I love my kids even though they spend a lot of time actively driving me nuts, sometimes intentionally and sometimes without even trying!  My eldest is Chris, 25, next is Tarryn, 23, Thomas is 20, Caitlin 18 and Will is 12.  Two have left home but still continue to torture me as I worry about their happiness and how they might eventually find it.  The other three are still at home finding new and interesting ways to shit me every day!   My partner Damien and I have been together for almost 15 years and I love him dearly as well, even though a few months ago when discussing how we might eventually meet our demise whilst on the way to a funeral, his response was that he’d probably go as a result of a pillow to the head!😂  I had to agree! 😜

I laugh a lot,  cry a lot and life is never boring.  I can be brash and unapologetic  and because of that, I consider myself an acquired taste…if you don’t like me then acquire some taste! 😏